Friday, December 14, 2007

Get The Fuck Out !? (A Running Diary of "The Cool")

An honest play by play that will definitely necessitate something brilliant later to make up for my retardation

Christ on a cockshaft, this reactionary douchebag might've just made the best album of the year. Well fuck my sloppy ass, The Cool, as of track 6 in my streaming of the record on MTV.com, is really really great.

This motherfucker who can't communicate on his influences, past image and sound, or even write a reasonable defense to all the pratty myopic hip-hop purists on the internet and Kweli shows on his Myspace blog just made two back-to-back bangers.

Even "Superstar" sounds awesome when I don't have to look at this motherfuckers face. Is that what it is? I think Lupe might be right to make three records and disappear, his presence in person and in visage makes his music fucking horrible.

Oh...wait...track 7 sucks. It might grow on me later, but, nah, B. This is some down syndrome shit. Snoop Dogg? What the fuck? If this dude ain't singing "Sexual Eruption" I no longer fucks with him. Ever. Doggystyle is too shallow of an album, despite being good, for me to give this dude a pass after 12 years of sucking.

Matter fact,


Goddamn that shit is ridiculous. Best 4th quarter ever. Someone clearly got this dude a Chromeo record to remind him of how awesome 80's R&B is. Can I get some "Erotic City"? Gap Band? Rick fucking James? George Clinton is made of crack rocks. That is why he was so funky. Jimmy got a little bit of bitch in him.

Track 8 is great...this twatty prick really knows how to pick a production team.

I still don't see how this shit sounds anything like Clipse, Wayne, Spice 1, UGK, and etc. If you're not going to rap like your cleverly referenced gangsta rap "influences", then why avoid the production as well? Why even bring that shit up? I know your man's and them is doing a 44-year bid off serious coke distro, but you FUCK ROBOTS. I seen that shit. Dude got underground hentai out, him getting fingercuffed by a cthulu rip-off and Big O. Shit's hot, actually. Lupe gapes.

Scroll up and tell me that motherfucker doesn't get worked at both ends daily by Akira and Final Fantasy COSplayers. Dude has blowbanged half of Circuit City (the city, not the store).



Track 10...out of 19...as long as he has a 6/8 ratio, this album is legitimately fucking great. He needs to score a 14 out of 19. Then I will buy this goddamn record, and eat my hat. Jesus...if the Mos Def record next year is great, I may have some redacting to do. Or not. Fuck that shit. People should be pliant anyway. And Mos Def should choose better acting roles.

He is KILLING this. What the fuck. He fixed all of my issues with him. Less flowery and he got a bit more brevity and finally understands the concept of being CONCISE. And significantly less douched-out. Although, "Dumb It Down" will come up later and make me want to skullfuck Stack Bundles.

You know, for luck.

He got UNKLE on the record? The fuck does UNKLE have to do with Spice 1? That shit ain't gangsta, B.

THOM YORKE DON'T POP TECS, NIGGA!

DJ SHADOW DON'T LOC WITH BUSDRIVER!

TRICKY DIDN'T PLAY BASS ON NO ONE DOES IT BETTER!

(I think Portishead do sell kilos with Big Fa$e 100 and Kurupt's godson, though, so he's got me there.)

I'm having back to back "OMG" moments from a Lupe Fiasco record. What the fuck? Food and Liqour was great production-wise, but, what the fuck.

As expected, "Dumb It Down" is on, and I can't wait to get a shitty mixtape and necromance this dead motherfucker to dance for me and scare college students.

You know, for kids.

On a emo/post-hardcore/Deftones album, I would hate "Hello/Goodbye (Uncool)", but for some even shit sounds better recontextualized in rap. Oh wait, I think I do sort of dislike this. And for the record, Thursday sucks. Teenagers are assholes.

I will probably buy this record. Damn. Ain't that a mu'fuckin bitch.

OH SHIT! THEY SHOT "THE COOL"! THEY SHOT "THE COOL"!!! PLEASE SAVE THE BABY! ALERT STACK BUNDLES HE MAY BE NEXT!!!

Back on schedule, "Let Me Put You On Game" is some shitty plodding, much better produced Aftermath-soundalike.

It occurs to me that Matthew Santos might enjoy being a pussy bottom from time to time. He probably cries during "Adam and Steve" and "Trick". He's looking for his beercan-dicked lover. Fauxhawk=LOGO gay. Where's my Chelsea cats at? Blatinos? Yeeeeeeeeeeeah. What? I guess.

Kids love beercans.

That last Mathhew Santos gangbang track sucked. Note to Lupe: "American Terrorist" was probably a fluke when it comes to your boy not making your songs boring.

This guy just shouted out his number one fans' blogspot (that I checked out a little bit before checking the stream...yeah...they're obsessive, but that's a beautiful thing in a sense. Someone needs to be lil' Mark David Chapman for all these Dimebag Darrells)...that's oddly cool. This will seem funny in the future when the oil reserves dry up and the eventual third world war that happens over the oil reserves in South America and Asia and the fact that control of the oil and natural resources in the world overall dictate the control of worldwide hegemony and Europe, the US, and China will have a lemonparty or kill us in the process. More of the latter. We've had a good run. All this culture and information and storage on 5000GB hard drives and the Library of Congress will be ironic when the air is in flames and the earth is a blackened coal holocaust of wasted potential and vice.

But yeah, I wonder if he just searches "blogspot lupe fiasco". I hope so.

Maybe I shouldn't throw post-mortem darts at Stack Bundles, since 2Pac tried to kill me from beyond the sixth seal earlier this week.

Last track is great. Fuck. What's that, 4 bad songs? Goddamit. This is like my belief being tested that if Hitler or Idi Amin* made the best album ever, I'd still cop that shit, because not doing so wouldn't be objective and would be being a nancy about reality and art. Although, I would do illegally download and not financially support Hitler. Even if he did write harrowing inspiration raps like:

"The blue-eyed snowman with measuring blocks/
Goddamn, Brazilian chicks always on my cock/
Trick, bitch, counting up profits up on my yacht/
Damn right, mad kilos deep in crystal-nacht."

See? Do that shit in Ghostface's post-Pretty Toney Album delivery or Lil' Wayne's troll-deine flow.

*(Consequently, I think Idi Amin's album would sound like LCD Soundsystem, so I dodged a bullet by having working ears)

I kid Lupe. He's seems like a nice enough guy. That fucks life size Gundam dolls but won't pay child support.

You win this round, Wasalu. Just stop eye-molesting my PS2.

9 comments:

Christian said...

LOL

Rekzai said...

wow @ hotlinkng my image

Christopher said...

Reza Khan- My bad? I'll fix that.

DocZeus said...

I think "Dumb It Down" works 100% better within the context of the album. It works sort of like a well deserved "Motherfuck You And Your Family for Asking Me To Make Some Wack Ass LCD Shit! I just dropped a classic on your ass! I'm Lupe Fiasco, motherfucker! Best Rapper Alive! Better Recognize!" moment when you put it into the context of the fact that he just handed in the album of his life. You've earned your moment of righteous indignation, Lupe! Kudos.

josephlovesit said...

I gave this a listen, and I'm surprised that I actually have enjoyed a few songs ("The Coolest" "Superstar"-verses only- "Gold Watch"). Though is it bad that my favorite verse on the album is the guest spot by Bishop G on "Little Weapon"? It's easily the coolest shit on the album. And what's cooler than being cool? Bishop G, apparently..

Also, my dad met UNKLE at Laguardia this fall. He didn't even know who they were, he just talks to a lot of people. I was wowed when he told me about it on the phone later.

Christopher said...

DocOck: He damn sure has. I don't remember how many records released in 2007 I went "Oh shit". Or at least as much as I did this morning. I can't wait to buy a used copy from the record store for $6 and devour this record.

"Dumb It Down" isn't as repulsive as I originally found it, but still, I can't forgive, even in context. It is a fun listen, though, I never feel the need to skip it for some reason.

"JoeFranklinRapedMe": Cooler than cool? Ice cold! ALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIGHT.

I should check out that UNKLE record from 1999, since I love electronica but I'm ignorant of a lot of artists and genre history.

Yo, I was browing iTunes and found this thing called "Boys Noize". It's basically Justice-style heavy-mid frequency weird electro, except it has better riffs and is just awesome all around so far. It's on the same label DFA1979 were on.

josephlovesit said...

That Boys Noize is pretty cool sounding. I previewed the iTunes tracks after reading your comment. According to Wikipedia, they even did a remix of Justice's "Phantom" haha.

josephlovesit said...

Also, is that your Gibson SG in your profile picture? Looks pretty sick.

Christopher said...

JoeyJoJoJoerson: Yeah, it's mah babay, the SG Faded I bought like, I guess 4 years ago by now. I really wished I had played more or practiced scales and fingering a bit more when I was younger. It's a bitch to do now and it's really hard to try and wedge 4-6 hours of guitar in my day. I have no sense of time management.

I listened to the Boys Noize last night and for some reason it doesn't sound as cool as it did in 30 second clips, but maybe it'll grow on me. Haha, I was quick to hype that album.