Monday, September 24, 2007

Welcome To The Good Life

So, as of an hour ago, I'm 20. Personally, I've been sort of dreading the shit out of this, and now, after the buffer period of 17-19, I fear crazy pressure and that there's a clock for me to get something accomplished. I'm on a good path as of entering college. My friends throughout High School turned out to be flaky and two-faced and took my ex's side in our breakup two years ago and stopped talking to me, which hurt a lot but turned out to be a blessing. So I had more than enough motivation, and no option, really, but to do my own thing and take the spirit and inspiration being a college freshman gave me. So, that whole year was pretty eventful and exciting. A few parties, new people, a bit of maturity, some embarrassing experiences, depression, substances, a one night stand, etc. The whole cliche.

The plan, from then to now, was to, like George Costanza, do the exact opposite of what I had done until then. I was frustrated by my inaction in life, so I've tried to do as much as possible, taking opportunities and chances and doing a bunch of shit that 17 year old me wouldn't bother with. Its worked out great, but besides some shitty nu-metal band with two late 20's broke man-children with no musical talent, I haven't gotten as much done with guitar as I would've like. I would've hope to have been in and out of 20 bands by now, rather than two. I've waited too long to develop any other talents that would be of worth to me immediately, so its really riding on guitar or me finding some connections and maybe getting some dumb writing gigs. Plus, I just figured out my major this summer, but I'm a junior and will end up probably taking an extra year considering I'm only taking one class this semester because I need a break. Also, I've pretty much felt alone for the last two years. 20, with only one job on my resume, that I had got out of nepotism from my friend, so I continue to feel extra discouraged at my inability to perform during job interviews or get hired based off my resume alone. Its a continuation of something I noticed at 17...nothing feels impossible anymore, but nothing really feels instinctual anymore. its all a toss-up, everything I do.

Of course, this is just how I feel at the moment. The panic I've felt all year has more to do, maybe, with my aging than it actually has to do with me. My personal life is the healthiest its been in years, though I feel heavily isolated from everyone that isn't in my small circle of friends. My only two worries are money and getting in shape and not being malnourished and bereft of a few key nutrients I gave up when I quit milk and red meat/pork. That and a weird compulsion to meet as many new people as possible right now.

I know to not trust how I feel about this, though. Throughout my teens, I missed being a child, and now I miss being a teenager. When I'm in my late 20's, I may miss college. Its also false, its all glamours and mirrors of my mind tricking my into some false nostalgia and distorting my memories from how shitty or great things really were. It just swirls into some feeling-less blob.

I felt some rambling was in order while I was in the mood or time frame, since I probably will feel fine tomorrow. I'm glad for what I have, really. And I look forward to whatever comes.

Except a stabbing. Fuck that shit.

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