Best Videos of 2009

The Cro-Mags show fucked up my hearing to the point that for the first time ever it hasn't fully returned with a good night's rest, preventing me from listening to the four or five albums I still have in queue to make my albums list at least sort of comprehensive. Or at least comprehensive enough to avoid overlooking 6 or 7 great records like I did last year. So until my ear recovers fully, in no order, here are the musical videos that I obsessed over the most this year.

Anal Judicator- "Cum-Coated Colon"

Easily the greatest digipornogrind video ever made.

Cro-Mags- 2001 CBGB's Show

I tried three times throughout my life to get into the Cro-Mags only to be again put off by what I always perceived as my own city's infamous hardcore variant as blockheaded, colorless and boring. But considering the quickly homogenizing deluge of denimXcore out there, my quarter-life crisis has spurred a weird renewed love of blockheaded hardcore that has either made me appreciate the catchiness of The Age of Quarrel, Terror, 100 Demons and Merauder, or has just made me more willing to overlook the faults I had found with them before. Shit, I'm even listening to Agnostic Front now, embracing a level of ignorance I thought I had left behind when I stopped listening to Hatebreed and Bleeding Through after high school.

Vinnie Stigma For President



I spent my teenage years being so against punk made after 1982 that I overlooked a lot of things. I still maintain that punk leans heavily towards singles and comps and not full albums, save for the established canon (Brains, Flag, Pistols, Ramones, blah, blah). Although Minor Threat seem to be more revered and influential than they were ever good. But that myopia made me bypass the first Agnostic Front album, Discharge, crust, crossover, and early Cro-Mags. The Agnostic Front thing is relevant because my familiarity with them never went past knowing my ex-girlfriend liked them, which at the time was enough to queer me away from investigating their music, plus the metalcore song they did with Jamey Jasta used to bug the shit out of me. I legitimately like "Peace is Not an Option" actually and have a lingering adoration of Jamey Jasta's voice, but it was Miret's weird choking dog vox that turned me off. Plus, throughout high school, I was privy to enough second and third hand NY hardcore to have an already low opinion of the seemingly empty-headed macho bullshit associated with it.

And now I scour Stuff You Will Hate as often as possible for posts on all of this. Funny.

Merauder- "Master Killer"

Speaking of scouring Stuff You Will Hate, I found this on there. I noticed during my nu-metal phase 10 years ago that the worse a genre, the better it's exceptions. I rarely go "HOLY SHIT" anymore at anything, most recent being "Lemonade" or the "Videophone" video, but getting put onto this Merauder song was a life-changing moment. I haven't gotten around to checking out the record, which is hopefully just as amazing and 90's, but I doubt it could be as out and out terrible as most 90's capital H hardcore. Shit, it's Wu-Tang through a metalcore filter, for Christ's sake! How could it fail?

"Stanky Leg"

The only new dance I've learned to do this year as performed by a group so faceless and unimportant that I couldn't even have been bothered to copy and paste their name from the youtube video.

Beyonce- "Videophone (Feat. Lady Gaga)"

Can we replace "swagger" with "sass"? Or amend FCC regulations and community standards to more ingrain "cunty" into our lexicon?

Das Racist- "Rainbow in the Dark"

The dialogue about them is "their songs are dumb as shit but they're amazingly intelligent and clever in interviews and blog pieces". Which is bullshit because they're equally as smart and clever in their songs not about dual franchise spaces. Since Plastic Little have fallen off the face of the planet, the part of me that needs "funny and smart rap not performed by Weird Al" from time to time has been filled (no Lupe) by an Indian dude that looks Colombian and a Colombian dude that looks Indian. That have vague connections to MGMT. And honestly have more quotable and enjoyable lyrics than most rap records released this year, Jay Electronica included (not taking away from the 10th member of Wu-Tang. He's nice, but really, who isn't nice at this point? Every third crumbum in Philly can rap circles around everyone who gets lazily maligned for being "radio rap".)

Boy Crisis- "The Fountain of Youth"

Speaking of Das Racist, Victor Vasquez is in a late aughts-era synth-rock outfit called Boy Crisis that is apparently a lot more popular than Das Racist (if Myspace and Last.fm are to be believed). It's basically the same densely-packed humor of Das Racist but with surprisingly good 80's synth-rock trappings. Bonus points for shooting the video to make McCarren Pool seem more interesting of a space than it actually is.

Big Daddy Kane Looks at Jay-Z in an Odd Way

Via Das Racist. I think Kane's face embodies how I feel about almost every current rapper when they give interviews. Especially CuDi, Raekwon or Nas.

Mr. Vegas- "Hot Wuk"

Not new, but only as of last semester joined a short list of anthems-to-chap-your dick-grinding-at-a-party-to.

Tay Zonday- "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch"

"OLD MEME REDEEMS SELF; WOWS SKEPTICAL BROOKLYN MULATTO."

Biggie Live Birthday Party Performances

Saw this when on one of those late-night "watching Wu-Tang videos when I should be sleeping" benders. Especially endearing is how shabby of a performer Biggie was in the beginning, especially next to the preternaturally fucked-up ODB.

ONYX- "The Worst (Feat. Raekwon and Method Man)"

I don't miss all the late 90's green-lighting that ruined almost every rap and R&B video around that time but I do miss an era where even as people chicken littled the shit out of rap, a bunch of then has-beens like Onyx could have a forgotten gem of a song like this.

If Mos Def Were President

Between this and The Ecstatic, it's hard not to love him again.

Blackout Crew- "Rumper Jumper"

I was afraid that they would never come up with anything as good as "Put a Donk on it". And then they show up as Oompa-Loompas. If an ideal world, this is all Jersey Shore guidos would listen to. And I would honor them for it.

Larry Tee- "I Love You"

I can no longer tell if I'm laughing with or at anything. Maybe I'm laughing in. Anyway, this is both scary and lovely at the same time, which is to me what downtown NYC pre-Bloomberg has been portrayed to me as.

Jah bless this little girl.

CBS KIPIX Goes Inside Horrorcore

It's not worth pointing out how foolish trend pieces and expose stories on "youth movements" or "subcultures" always come across, but it is amazing how hilarious post-ICP posicore fail looks when people end up dead and all the wannabe-Esham's are asked to form opinions. The culture isn't between red and blue state's, it's between people with labret piercings and high school graduates.

Metallica- "Battery (Feat. Dave Lombardo)"

Notable for the ridiculous double bass from 2:13 or so on. Bonus points for James' electrodyke hairdo, which in terms of chronology puts his look somewhere in between Rosie O'Donnell and Adam Joseph/Robyn.

Flairs- "Trucker's Delight"

An awesome French house single with an awesome Gameboy Advance-inspired video by a shit French alternative rock band popularized by shit /b/tards.

LMFAO- "Shots (Feat. Lil'Jon)"

1. I was legally drunk from August 2008-May 2009.
2. This is testament to LMFAO's ability to perfectly craft lovably obnoxious songs about things I should hypothetically be against (L.A., Myspace, animal prints, etc.).
3. I was buying tickets for HORSE the Band and Norma Jean last month at Irving Plaza and the LMFAO party bus was parked outside in the afternoon, most likely they were either playing a show or "hosting" something or other. While standing there at the box office, a random entourage/LMFAO affiliate, recognizable for his PartyRock belt buckle, L.A.-damaged 2007-era Williamsburg hipster clothes (they're really behind on the West Coast apparently), and completely unawareness of anything. Dude tried to get inside, so she told him he'd have to come back with a tour laminate or some credentials, and he honestly looked either high out his mind or that he had no idea what the fuck tour laminates or credentials actually were. It was the single cutest thing I've seen all year.
4. Clearly the second best thing Berry Gordy's ever created, with the first being the idea that Diana Ross wasn't a ghoul.

Jennifer Holliday and Jennifer Hudson- "And I'm Telling You"

Despite BET's best efforts, some intrepid fan of plump black women over-singing reposted this video from I think either 2007 or 2008's BET awards. Still the most epic thing that's ever been on youtube. The sheer amount of jawbone calisthenics from Holliday makes this required viewing for anyone wondering whether looking crazy equals being a good live performer. The answer is clearly "Yes it fucking does".

50 Cent and Jay-Z 2003 Reebok Commercial

There's an amazing amount of shit going on in this commercial. One, when the fuck did this happen? I had no idea this occurred until it got dug up during the Jay-Beans-50 thing that never turned into anything from this past fall. Two, how cute are they? Trading lines and references to each other? Jay even quotes "Your Life's on the Line". Third: I wonder how many people caught that when 50 was holding up Jay's S. Carter's, they were like a baby's size 4? How did that get past Jay? And finally: synchronized dancing?! Why can't we have this in rap again? Oh yeah, because it's populated by fevered egos who can't push units.

Rakim on Nas

"Conservative person" is saying the least. Ra has continually come across as the least fun dude in rap for a minute now. He had a point about the family details, but the attitude and the lack of relevance make for an awkward clip.

The Greatest Amateur Rap Ever

This is the video I'll forever show people to explain that despite their over-intellectualizing hip-hop as a genre is simply someone rapping over a beat. Anything else is icing.

Millie Jackson- "Fuck You Symphony"

R&B singers have been boring since Luther lost weight, man.

Dying Fetus High School Cover

Dying Fetus are fucking awful, but the kid has a good voice and the touching thing about it is that the kids actually cheer for him. Either this is the nicest school ever or he's the raddest dude in the world.

The Adventures of Stevie V- "Dirty Cash"/Nightcrawlers- "Push The Feeling On"

I'm more than ready for 90's retro-fetishism. Say the word and I'll whip up a Nirvana cover band and have Daria parties in my dorm. I might even bring back kinderwhore for Halloween, who knows. In a good sign of the coming couple of years, two really great house songs were sampled this year, by Dizzee Rascal and Pitbull respectively. Hopefully this'll remind everyone that shitty hip-house raps and blue afros>monroe piercings and dead bird haircuts.

Necro- "The Human Traffic King"

I can't help but get behind and support this.

Nick Cannon and Affion Crockett- "Eat Dat Watermelon"

Weird to think that the only intentionally funny thing Nick Cannon's ever done is a heavy-handed but memeriffic criticism of Southern rap via the Spike Lee school of blunt satire. Even weirder that I've found myself whispering "Massa...is coming!" Ying Yang Twins-style all year.

Mystikal- "Here I Go"

My favorite Mystikal song, via the divine intervention of a 2001-era Cedric the Entertainer.

Davey Havok and Ceremony @ 924 Gilman

It's hard not to cackle at seeing Mr. "Love Like Winter" try and get aggy like its 1986.

Hurricane Chris-"Halle Berry (Live from the Louisiana Congress)"

"Halle Berryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, Halle Berry. Halle Berryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, Halle Berry."

Pickin' and a Singin'

Dudes have been dead for 40-50 years that eat your average wanky Spastik Ink-aping prog-tard alive.

LeLe- "Show Monaco"

If there was any justice this album wouldn't have been as overlooked as it was. Although the concept of jokey French house made by Belgians might be a bit much for people still stuck on Boyz Noise.

Mal Blum- "Ukelele"

SUNY Purchase's own! And awesome to the core.

Ken Susi- "I Want Candy"

I was hoping this would become a meme and not just the kind of thing I'd alienate my friends by showing whenever I was around them with a computer. But apparently being in Unearth doesn't merit that many page views anymore.

Swedish Death for Dummies

I bought an HM-2 off of Ebay as soon as I saw this and haven't looked back.

Public Image LTD.-"Rise"

So apparently they did have good tracks after Metal Box. "The Rules of Attraction" and creeping nostalgia for the early 00's made me seek out this soundtrack cut/last gasp of John Lydon's relevance.

The Cramps- "I Was A Teenage Werewolf"

It boggles the mind how he kept those pants up until you realize he wore them everyday and was probably fused to the material.

Neophyte- "Alles Kapot"

My best friend in junior high got into jungle and hardcore while I was getting into better rock music than the Puddle of Mudd, Doors, and KoRn I was listening to in 2001. He moved on halfway through high school, but gabber and happy hardcore would always find a way into my life, especially through the goth/raver kids I used to know when we'd all loiter around Chinatown. Like NYxHC, it's drifted from an annoyance to an proud indulgence.

Jonathan Richman- "I Was Dancing at the Lesbian Bar"

This video, plus his first three albums, have converted me to the point that, like with Converge and TV on the Radio, I promise to see his NY appearances every year until one of us dies of diabetes-related complications.

The Dogs- "Yo Mama's On Crack Rock"

All praises due to Unkut for putting me on to the most conceptually amazing Miami bass song every made.
"My mama don't do that no more!"

Drake's Hot 97 Coronation

And the best for last! The Affion Crockett parody was hilarious but extraneous because Aubrey is, unfortunately, unintentionally funny enough on his own. Choice moments:
-Anytime Drake does a church lady hand gesture
-"Can I do dat?"
-"All the way from! Degrassi! All the way from!"
-2:34: Flex- "You said you were in the ASTON MARTIN doing DONUTS"
Drake- "Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I SAID THAT!!!"
-4:39: Drake checks for lumps